IELTS writing Task 2 goal Band 7
Topic: (form cambridge IELTS academic 15 w1)
In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people.
Why might this be the case?
Do you think this is a positive or negative situation?
David’s Answer:
A home is a very special visual object for our human live, but getting through every different countries communical and economic development, people they want to have a home is more hard to hold and keep. In personality, our traditional concept totaly positive must have a home belong to is very impotant to me and family group.
In most of developmented countries, many parents worked hard for almost through 30 years just want to own a home feel satisfied and peace. People awlays uesd the long term loan from the government policy and banks. Howevery, owning a home is kind of keeping an asset and property from the investment perspective view, it will getting more land valued through increasing times gone by.
Honestly, It should be some reasons when we need renting a house.The first is no consisting stable financial income to support. Secondly, there are more job opportuinties and salary income in capital city, it make a lot of countyside young guys move to city rent a house to study and work. Futermore, there were statistic investigations result indcated, if rent house for a family, there had more money to spend (usually to make a tour) and living quaily more higher than the family monthly paid for long term loan.
Summrised, saving money for buying a home is a kind of lovely stress for each lovers. When they what to go into be create a family and also this valued is very strongly deeping in my culture background. It is very good advantage improving step point for human growing.
ChatGPT Answer:
1. Estimated band & main problems
If this essay were marked in the real exam, it would probably be around Band 5.0–5.5, not yet Band 7.
Very briefly:
Task Response (TR): ~5.5
You mention some reasons why people want to own homes (asset, parents work hard, loans).
But the question is:
Why is owning a home so important in some countries?
Is this positive or negative?
Your opinion (positive or negative) is not very clear and not well explained. The paragraph about renting goes away from the main question.
Coherence & Cohesion (CC): ~5
You have paragraphs, but:
Topic sentences are unclear.
Some sentences are very hard to follow.
Ideas jump around (home ownership → renting → tourism → “lovely stress”).
Lexical Resource (LR): ~5
Good attempt to use higher-level words (e.g. “investment perspective”, “economic development”).
But many words are used incorrectly or are not real words in English:
communical, developmented, living quaily, lovely stress, family group, etc.
Grammar Range & Accuracy (GRA): ~4.5–5
Many basic grammar errors make it difficult to understand:
Articles: a home is important (not home is important in many places)
Verb forms: people always use (not awlays uesd), it becomes harder (not it will getting more).
Sentence structure: a lot of very long sentences without correct punctuation.
To reach Band 7, you need:
Clear answer to both questions (why + positive/negative)
Logical paragraphs with clear topic sentences
Fewer grammar mistakes (most sentences must be correct)
More accurate vocabulary
2. Cleaned-up sentences (from your essay)
Here are a few of your own sentences, corrected so you can see the difference:
Original:
A home is a very special visual object for our human live
Better:
A home is a very special place in human life.Original:
In most of developmented countries, many parents worked hard for almost through 30 years just want to own a home feel satisfied and peace.
Better:
In many developed countries, parents work hard for decades in order to buy a home and feel satisfied and at peace.Original:
Howevery, owning a home is kind of keeping an asset and property from the investment perspective view, it will getting more land valued through increasing times gone by.
Better:
Moreover, owning a home means keeping an asset that usually increases in value over time from an investment perspective.Original:
Summrised, saving money for buying a home is a kind of lovely stress for each lovers.
Better:
In conclusion, saving money to buy a home is often seen as a meaningful goal for couples who want to start a family.
Try to feel the structure: clearer subject–verb, more natural word choice, shorter and more direct sentences.
3. Band 7 model essay (you can study & imitate)
Use this as a reference. Don’t memorise it word-for-word, but learn the structure and useful phrases.
Paragraph 1 – Introduction
In many countries, buying a home is seen as a major life goal, and people often prefer owning a house instead of renting one. There are several cultural and economic reasons for this attitude. In my view, this situation is mostly positive, although it can also create some problems for individuals and society.
Paragraph 2 – Why owning a home is important
One main reason why people want to own a home is security. When a family owns the place where they live, they do not have to worry about the landlord increasing the rent or asking them to move out. This is especially important for families with children, because they want a stable environment and do not want to change schools frequently. Owning a home also allows people to design and decorate the space as they wish, which gives them a stronger sense of belonging.
Paragraph 3 – Economic & cultural reasons
Another important reason is financial and cultural pressure. In many societies, owning property is considered a sign of success and maturity. Parents often work for 20 or 30 years and use long-term bank loans in order to buy an apartment, because they believe this will provide them with a valuable asset in the future. Property usually increases in value over time, so people see it as a long-term investment and a way to protect their savings from inflation. In addition, government policies, such as tax benefits for homeowners or low-interest mortgages, sometimes encourage this trend.
Paragraph 4 – Is this positive or negative?
Overall, I believe this situation is mostly positive, because it motivates people to save money and plan for the long term. Home ownership can create more stable communities, as people who own property are more likely to care about their neighbourhood and build long-term relationships with their neighbours. However, there are also negative effects. When owning a home becomes too important, young people may feel intense pressure to buy a house they cannot really afford. This can lead to heavy debt and reduce their quality of life, as they have less money to spend on education, travel or raising children.
Paragraph 5 – Conclusion
In conclusion, people in some countries place great importance on owning a home mainly because of the security, financial benefits and cultural values associated with property. While this can bring many advantages, it is important that governments and individuals avoid turning home ownership into an unhealthy source of stress.
You can see clearly:
Intro: paraphrase + clear opinion
Body 1: reason 1 (security)
Body 2: reason 2 (investment + culture + policies)
Body 3: evaluation (positive + negative)
Conclusion: short summary + restate opinion
4. What you should focus on next (for Band 7)
(1) Structure for this question type
For “Why + positive/negative” questions, a good template:
Intro
Paraphrase question
State your opinion (positive / negative / mixed)
Body 1 – Reasons
Reason 1 why owning a home is important
Example / explanation
Body 2 – More reasons
Reason 2 (and maybe 3)
Example / explanation
Body 3 – Positive or negative?
Explain why it is positive / negative
Mention at least one opposite side briefly
Conclusion
Summarise main points
Repeat your opinion
(2) Language priorities for you
From your essay, I recommend you train these first:
Articles & plurals
a home / a house / an asset / the government / families
Basic sentence patterns
People want to own a home because…
This situation is positive because…
One sentence = one main idea.
Accurate vocabulary
“developed countries” (not “developmented”)
“quality of life” (not “living quaily”)
“stable income” (not “no consisting stable financial income”)
1. Improved version (around Band 6.5–7)
You can use this as your final answer for practice:
Paragraph 1
A home is a very special place in human life, but as societies develop economically, it has become more difficult for people in many countries to buy and keep their own house. Traditionally, we strongly believe that a family should own the place where they live, and this idea is very important for me and my relatives.
Paragraph 2
In many developed countries, parents work hard for twenty or thirty years because they want to own a home and finally feel satisfied and at peace. People usually rely on long-term loans from banks or government housing policies to achieve this goal. From an investment point of view, owning a home also means holding an asset that generally increases in value over time as land prices rise.
Paragraph 3
Honestly, there are also reasons why some people need to rent a house instead of buying one. The first reason is that they do not have a stable income to support a mortgage. Secondly, there are more job opportunities and higher salaries in the capital city, so many young people from the countryside move there and rent a flat while they study or work. Furthermore, some statistics suggest that families who rent often have more money left over for travel and daily enjoyment, and sometimes their quality of life is higher than that of families who must pay a large mortgage every month.
Paragraph 4
In summary, saving money to buy a home can be seen as a kind of positive pressure for couples. When they are preparing to start a family, this value is deeply rooted in my cultural background. Overall, I believe this situation is mainly positive, but it can become negative if the financial pressure is too great.
This answers:
Why owning a home is important (stability, culture, investment)
Positive or negative? → mainly positive, but with financial pressure as a risk.
2. Sentence-by-sentence correction (your idea → better English)
So you can see the change clearly:
Original:
A home is a very special visual object for our human live, but getting through every different countries communical and economic development, people they want to have a home is more hard to hold and keep.
Corrected:
👉 A home is a very special place in human life, but as societies develop economically, it has become more difficult for people in many countries to buy and keep their own house.Original:
In personality, our traditional concept totaly positive must have a home belong to is very impotant to me and family group.
Corrected:
👉 Traditionally, we strongly believe that a family should own the place where they live, and this idea is very important for me and my relatives.Original:
In most of developmented countries, many parents worked hard for almost through 30 years just want to own a home feel satisfied and peace.
Corrected:
👉 In many developed countries, parents work hard for twenty or thirty years because they want to own a home and finally feel satisfied and at peace.Original:
People awlays uesd the long term loan from the government policy and banks.
Corrected:
👉 People usually rely on long-term loans from banks or government housing policies to achieve this goal.Original:
Howevery, owning a home is kind of keeping an asset and property from the investment perspective view, it will getting more land valued through increasing times gone by.
Corrected:
👉 From an investment point of view, owning a home also means holding an asset that generally increases in value over time as land prices rise.Original:
Honestly, It should be some reasons when we need renting a house.
Corrected:
👉 Honestly, there are also reasons why some people need to rent a house instead of buying one.Original:
The first is no consisting stable financial income to support.
Corrected:
👉 The first reason is that they do not have a stable income to support a mortgage.Original:
Secondly, there are more job opportuinties and salary income in capital city, it make a lot of countyside young guys move to city rent a house to study and work.
Corrected:
👉 Secondly, there are more job opportunities and higher salaries in the capital city, so many young people from the countryside move there and rent a flat while they study or work.Original:
Futermore, there were statistic investigations result indcated, if rent house for a family, there had more money to spend (usually to make a tour) and living quaily more higher than the family monthly paid for long term loan.
Corrected:
👉 Furthermore, some statistics suggest that families who rent often have more money left over for travel and daily enjoyment, and sometimes their quality of life is higher than that of families who must pay a large mortgage every month.Original:
Summrised, saving money for buying a home is a kind of lovely stress for each lovers.
Corrected:
👉 In summary, saving money to buy a home can be seen as a kind of positive pressure for couples.Original:
When they what to go into be create a family and also this valued is very strongly deeping in my culture background.
Corrected:
👉 When they are preparing to start a family, this value is deeply rooted in my cultural background.Original:
It is very good advantage improving step point for human growing.
Corrected:
👉 Overall, I believe this situation is mainly positive, but it can become negative if the financial pressure is too great.
No comments:
Post a Comment